I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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