dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
