just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize