I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
