if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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