bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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