Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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