Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
