I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
