I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
