i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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