I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
