Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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