I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sorry my hands just texted you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i think im in europe. pls send help
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
