He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
