My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We need to rekindle our bromance
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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