How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dignity is for republicans.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
