He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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