Your tits are I can't wait for
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
