i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
