Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
