I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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