You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize