She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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