i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
