he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
