She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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