dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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