I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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