I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
