either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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