I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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