I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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