chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
