OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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