dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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