She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
