I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
