I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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