I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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