i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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