I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I AM VODKA MAN
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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