He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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