Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
