Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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