There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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