he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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