So drunk its hurt
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
