Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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