Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
