hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
