wat bout pragnant strippers??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
