sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
