You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
