I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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