I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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