Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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