They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
