It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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