so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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