He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
